I'm having dinner with my dad tomorrow. Wanna come?
Sure. He's kind of sexy.
I'll be there too.
So we'll come up with a signal. If it's going well, you can take off.
I need your support. I haven't told him I'm pregnant.
Oh. Why not?
He's gonna flip out. I hate it when he's angry.
This is all so "Papa Don't Preach."
He's scary. Once, he caught me smoking.
He said if I did it again, he'd make me eat the pack.
Wow. Well, I will be there.
I won't let that man make you eat your baby!
Hey, who is that guy? I think I know him.
No, you don't.
Oh, my God! Monica, he's the stripper from your bachelorette party!
Her what?
Your secret bachelorette party.
- Bachelorette party? - She untied his G-string with her teeth.
Somebody stop me!
We weren't gonna have parties. We agreed that it's a silly tradition.
It's a grand tradition!
They surprised me. There was nothing I could do.
You could've untied it with your hands.
This is so unfair. I wanted to throw a bachelor party...
...but I wasn't allowed. All we got was dinner.
You went home with the waitress.
Yeah, that was a good night.
Why didn't you tell me?
The two pillars of marriage are openness and honesty.
I knew giving you that book would come back and bite me in the ass.
The One With the Stripper
- I'll order everyone the chicken. - Oh, I don't eat meat.
It's chicken!
- I don't eat that either. - I never understand you lesbians.
- So, what's new with you? - Well, actually...
Your '74 Lafite, sir.
I ordered the '75, That's a magnificent wine. '74 is sewage!
Why would you bring me sewage?
Are you an idiot? Is that why you're a waiter?
This is why I didn't want to wait on you.
Oh, come on. Don't be such a baby.
In case you didn't notice, that is a scary man.
He's right, though. The '74 is absolute piss.
This was a huge mistake. I can't tell him. I can't.
Rachel...
I'm gonna wait a couple of years, and then the baby will tell him.
- Why? So he can get mad at the baby? - That's the baby's problem.
- Everything okay with the waiter? - I don't know. I went to the bathroom.
So, sweetie, you were starting to tell me what's new with you.
I got TiVo.
- What's TiVo? - It's slang for "pregnant."
Are you pregnant?
Well, yes and no.
Except, not no.
So to sum it up, yeah.
Who is the father? Please don't tell me it's her!
No, it's Ross. You like Ross.
I hope you're okay with this.
This is a good thing. This is your first grandchild!
You're gonna be a poppy!
That's true. I'm a poppy!
I'm gonna be a poppy!
- So when is the wedding? - The who?
The wedding. There's going to be a wedding.
Young lady, don't you tell me my first grandchild is gonna be a bastard!
- Tell me there's gonna be a wedding! - February 2nd!
It was cool seeing you lecture today.
Thanks. Although it seemed like you were falling asleep.
No, I had my eyes closed so I could concentrate and take it all in.
A lot of my students do that.
- I've got to get going. - I'll see you tonight?
Thanks for showing me your semiprecious stone collection. It was amazing.
My God, you must be good in bed.
So you and Mona. It's been a while. How is it?
It's going good.
I mean, we get along great. She's so...
- Hot? - I was gonna say sweet, but yeah!
She's okay with the baby?
I haven't actually told her yet. I don't wanna scare her off.
You have to be honest, or you may think you're on the same path...
...but you're on different ones.
I'm gonna take that book and beat you to death with it.
You are gonna love me so much.
I felt bad about the bachelorette party...
...so tonight you're gonna have a bachelor party.
I got this number from a guy at work and I hired a stripper for you.
I'm going in the wife hall of fame!
- Honey, I don't want a stripper. - Will you let the lady talk?
Come on, it'll be fun. It'll make me feel better.
I appreciate it, but it's a little creepy. I'm not a bachelor anymore.
Just think of it as a two-month anniversary present.
Sure. One year is paper, but two months is lap dance.
Please, I feel so bad. Just watch the hot woman get naked!
- Fine, but I'm only doing this for you. - Yeah!
And Joey.
- Who else do you wanna invite? - Ross and Joey is embarrassing enough.
I can't make it. I'm seeing Mona tonight.
Why cancel a real date to go to a fake bachelor party?
I'm sorry. I gotta cancel tonight, baby.
I'm sorry I won't make it to your imaginary wedding. I'm busy that day.
I already have a unicorn baptism and a leprechaun bar mitzvah.
I know. I panicked.
I didn't want him yelling at me like I was some '74 Latour.
It's Lafite.
The '74 Latour is actually drinking quite nicely.
I'm gonna tell him. I'm gonna be strong.
I just called a friend.
I think I may be able to book the Plaza on short notice.
Really?
The Plaza?
Oh, Daddy!
- Daddy, I need to talk to you. - What is it, sweetie?
Ross and I aren't getting married.
- I'm sorry. - I don't believe this!
- Stay calm, please. - How do you expect me to stay calm?
This is unacceptable, Rachel. And I wanna know why!
Is it because that punk won't marry you?
- Is that it? - Yes. He says I'm damaged goods.
You nervous about getting married?
What are you doing?
Pretend it's a real bachelor party. It'll be more fun.
All right. I can't believe tomorrow's the big day.
You're never gonna be with another woman.
You have to wake up to the same face every day...
...until you finally have the sweet release of death.
You're right. This is more fun.
That's her! Okay, come on!
Which one of you is Chandler?
That's me!
That's me.
Joey Tribbiani. Big fan.
- Is that a bedroom? - Yeah, right over there.
Whenever you're ready.
That was weird.
- Why would she go in the bedroom? - I'm waiting.
- So she's a... - Yeah, that's one naked hooker.
I love your place. Where is this guy from?
That's an 18th-century artifact from Calcutta.
Oh. Wow.
So you're more than just dinosaurs.
So much more.
Oh, my God! I am so sorry!
Forget it. It's from Pier 1,
Sorry.
Think you can knock up my daughter and not marry her?
I ought to kill you!
This is actually not a great time for me.
So come on. Explain yourself, Geller.
- You got Rachel pregnant! - You got her pregnant?
- Who did? - You did!
Yes, but it was a one-night thing. It meant nothing.
Oh? Really? My daughter means nothing?
No, sir. She means a lot to me. I love Rachel.
- What? - But not that way.
I'm not in love. I love her like a friend.
So you get her in trouble and refuse to marry her?
I offered to marry her. But I didn't want to.
Why not? You wanted to be with this tramp?
Tramp?
I'm sorry. Dr. Green, Mona. Mona, Dr. Green.
I can't believe there is a naked hooker in there!
Maybe she's a hooker and a stripper...
...but she got confused about what to do.
Maybe. Technically, she stripped. We just missed it.
Ma'am?
Are you also a stripper?
No, but I can pretend to strip. Costs extra.
Here's the extras: Handcuffs, spanking...
Maybe Monica's playing a joke on you.
Getting her husband a hooker. That's pretty funny.
That is funny. Maybe for my birthday she'll murder someone.
I'll bet Ross was in on it. He was conveniently busy.
- You mind if I smoke in here? - Actually, I'd rather...
Go ahead. We're gonna have to burn that room, anyway.
- How could you hide this? - I wanted to tell you, but...
You'd get what you wanted, then dump her, like Rachel.
Hey, I did not dump Rachel. Nor are we still together.
Can l...?
We'll just let the machine get that.
"Ross", "it's Joey." There's a hooker here.
We thought you'd know something about it.
No! No! No!
No!
I need to lie down.
Tonight's the bachelor party?
- Thanks for that number. - No problem. Who's the party for?
- My husband. - You hired your husband a hooker?
- She's a stripper. - No, a hooker.
- Is that a name for strippers? - Lf they're hookers.
Stu, I can't believe you did this.
You're sure she's a hooker?
Either that, or she's the best, most expensive date I ever had.
- Maybe she meant to get you a hooker. - Why would she do that?
Maybe she wants you to learn something.
Is there anything you're really bad at, sexually?
This is the worst bachelor party ever.
- What's taking you boys so long? - In a minute!
What's gonna happen in a minute?
You should ask her to leave.
- Why me? - It's your party.
- Which is why you should do it. - No, you do it.
Rock, paper, scissors for who tells the whore to leave.
- What? - I miss this.
I don't think we've done this before.
No, I miss hanging out with you.
- We still hang out. - Not like we used to.
Remember? We used to be inseparable.
You know, now it's like things are different.
Well, you know, things are different. I'm married now.
Don't get me wrong, I'm happy for you guys.
I just miss hanging out. Just us, you know?
Yeah, I miss that too.
From now on, we'll make time to hang out.
You got it. Come here.
Oh, God.
Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.
She's a hooker! She's a...
Hi. We spoke on the phone.
So your dad dropped by.
He's a pleasant man.
- Oh, no. - I better go.
Just over here. I can't miss the fight.
Ross, I am so sorry.
I'll straighten this out tomorrow in person.
Or via e-mail.
I don't care about your dad. Mona is totally freaked out!
I'll fix that too. What's her e-mail?
I'll fix this. I swear I'll talk to her.
Okay. Thank you.
That's it? You call that a fight?
"We were on a break!" "No we weren't!" What happened to you two?
Thank you so much for coming back over.
Oh, good. You're here.
And I was worried that it would be uncomfortable.
Mona, just hear me out.
I'm sorry about my father yelling at you.
But you held your own. You have to tell me how.
- Focus. - Okay.
Yes, Ross and I used to date.
And yes, we are gonna have a baby.
But we are definitely not getting back together.
- How can I be sure? - We drove each other crazy.
He was possessive, jealous. He couldn't let the little things go.
Trying to date this woman.
None of that compared to how kind and gentle...
...and thoughtful he is.
You probably shouldn't touch me.
I don't want something so complicated.
But what relationship is not complicated?
We all have our baggage. You must too.
Why else would you still be single?
I'm so gonna leave right now.
Should I leave this open?
I'm not sure. Why didn't you just tell me?
It has nothing to do with how I feel.
- You still should have told me. - I was going to...
...but I thought you should hear it from Rachel's father.
I made a mistake...
...but it's only because I really like you. Really.
Okay. I guess you can close the door now.
Forgot my purse. Oh, you guys made up.
Good kisser, isn't he? I'm going!
I swear I didn't know she was a hooker.
You let her smoke?
Her ass-print is still on our quilt. Really want to talk about smoking?
I'm gonna make this up to you.
I promised a stripper...
...and you're gonna get a stripper.
- Monica, wait. - What?
Carry on.
These tennis shoes are so tight.
- I think I'll take them off. - Could you not narrate?
Gotcha, sailor.
Just because you're not in love...
- You told your dad the truth. - An hour ago.
- Wanna go see a movie? - Yes.
Bye, Dad.
It's unacceptable! What does love have to do with it?
There are more important things than love.
You have to think about the consequences of your decisions!
I do think about the consequences of my decisions!
What gives you the right to...?
Go to hell!
Stupid guy on my phone.
[ENGLISH]